…Because I never saw the point in waiting for January 1st to change.

I’ve been sorting through a lot of physical, emotional, and mental clutter lately. I recently got out of a bad situation that I was pretty firmly trapped in, and I found that I have no need for certain negative habits anymore.
Here’s what I’m going to be making a serious effort to improve:

1. Patience.
Always at or near the top of my list, I suppose I’ll be almost there once I stop being annoyed at how long it’s been lurking around on my list.
2. Defensiveness.
Because of aspects of that bad situation, I was constantly on the defensive. Every day, for years. That sucks, and I’m not doing it anymore. Unfortunately, it’s become habit, but time and willpower will break it. Bear with me.
3. Complaining.
For so long, there were things that drove me nuts. I had tried everything I could think of to resolve the issues, with no success. I’m not in that situation anymore. Anything worth complaining about, I can change.
Probably. Serenity prayer.
4. Being hard on myself.
A few years ago, I told myself that if I could talk to such a person as Mr X (a person who I find most impressive in many ways) for 5 minutes without him being bored out of his skull, I would consider myself ‘good enough’ - smart enough, interesting enough, and so on. That goal was definitively met, so why am I still so hard on myself? Of course, one should never stop improving. But I set the bar pretty high, and I did it. Why do I have to keep moving the bar and being annoyed that I’m not there?
5. Making excuses.
Tied into the defensiveness. Sometimes, there are perfectly good reasons, and I don’t consider those ‘excuses.’ But I think that when you’re defending yourself so much, you can lose sight of the line between the two. There is no Try. I will just Do.
Unless there is a damn fine reason not to. And then, I won’t complain about it.
6. Sense of urgency.
I like to get things done. But I learned at work to realize that no one is going to die if x isn’t done immediately, and I need to learn to apply that to my personal to-do list. Sometimes, things must happen. Other times, “no one is going to die” is sufficient. What’s the worst that will happen if this doesn’t get done now?

Perseverance was never an issue. Patience is my constant challenge.

It is said that the souls that you are tied to have been put in your path to teach you something.
Maybe that’s why I must endure what has been set before me. Walking away is less of an option than cutting off my own leg. Patience is the only choice.

I have 2 beautiful, healthy, smart, independent, funny, sweet kids. They are the lights of my life, and I don’t know what my life would be without them. Their hugs, their random “from the mouth of babes” statements, their creativity, their curiosity… these are all things that I am so appreciative of every day. Sometimes, I like to just watch them, and think of how incredible they are.

I love my family all dearly, and I know that they would do anything within their power for me, no questions asked. I have a good relationship with all of my family, and I can’t remember the last time I had a fight with one of my siblings.

I have some really great friends. Last night, I hung out with 3 of my 4 closest friends. We just sat around talking and had a blast, and it was 3am before we knew it. Oops. But it was totally worth it. 

I have a job that I love, coworkers who I get along with or love, and a boss who is simply fantastic. My tasks suit me perfectly, and even though I sometimes wonder why I didn’t pick a better-paid career, I can not remember a morning when I dreaded going to work.

I have a good house, a reliable car, and food in the fridge. I may not have much, but I have enough.

Although he has been driving me nuts, the father of my children is such a good and loving dad that he is putting up a hell of a fight over these kids. Many women and kids are not so lucky. When I am tired, I remind myself that he believes in what he is doing, and is doing so out of love for the kids.

I am a reasonably smart and capable person. I got good grades in school and have done well at work. I like to create things, and such things have been well received. I have been at least moderately successful at anything I have truly put my mind to. I have no major health concerns, no chronic illness or pain. 

I say these things not to be the glowing and annoying person who is sickeningly excited about everything and unwittingly rubs their good fortune in the faces of those less fortunate. I say these things because they are true, and because I want those in my life to know that I am grateful for who they are and what they do.

Some of the things my friends said to me last night reminded me that a person is always their own worst critic. While I have a positive outlook, I generally think I’m just kind of ‘meh.’ Not bad by any means, but nothing special. I am unapologetically me, and something about that has caused me to be surrounded by wonderful people who love me, worry for me, and are happy for me. For this, I am ever grateful.

A couple of days ago, I spent a while suspended in between awake and asleep. I’ve found in the past that this is the time when I’m most receptive to visions, transmissions, epiphanies, whathaveyou. (believe that or not. I don’t care)
This suspension was quite unlike anything I had ever experienced.
It was almost out-of-body, because I was observing myself, although I was tethered pretty closely to myself. Like, less than 2ft string between physical-emily-head and consciousness-head.
I was observing myself, my body, my half-sleepingness. And I remember thinking what a beautiful thing life is. There’s the body, and it’s healthy and strong. There is warm breath moving in and out. There are hopes, dreams, love, as well as sorrow, pain, tiredness. All these things are tied to this marvel of biology. And all the things that make up each life are unique and beautiful in their own way.
And then I saw myself through time, but not linearly. I saw it all at once. There was this me, what has been, what will be. But there were all the other mes too. And I saw the fluctuations of me through time, a neverending wave of lightness, followed by dimness, again back to light. It was robust, unending, undulating, in dimensions I couldn’t describe.
Of course, I don’t remember all of it. I remembered some just after waking, but have forgotten just about all.
What I can’t forget is the beauty and the calm I felt, observing all of it.

I hadn’t realized how long it had been since I was without a decent computer. About a month and a half. Oy. 
First, let me just say that I am pleased to announce that I can still type like a mofo. Sure, I’ve had a computer I could use. But it was a dinosaur, and since my email got hacked on the first day I had it, I assumed there were security problems and just stuck to my phone for internetting. Work has almost exclusively involved excel. I have improved my thumb-typing ability greatly.

But here’s what I have learned. These are super important life lessons, by the way.

1. I need an external hard drive. It hadn’t been too long since I backed up to disc, so it wouldn’t have been horrendous if I had lost everything. Still.

2. When I work from home, I really need to not exclusively save on my desktop. Cause when the computer doesn’t work, I can’t get my files off the desktop. Dammit.

3. Also because of the dinosaur I was using, I did not use spotify, itunes, or youtube the whole time I had it. I was stuck with whatever what loaded onto my phone, and whatever I had on disc. Since the fiasco with the landlord throwing out 200-300 of my cds, I started only buying digital. That’s about to change. Physical, and then backup for when the disc gets lost or scratched.

I’m currently somewhat like a drug addict, just sucking up that which I have missed.

Tonight, Einaudi. Mmmmm.

When it’s time to buy me a birthday present, let me know if you don’t know what to get. I have a huge running list in my head.

…. I would also accept a functional sewing machine.

Tomorrow, I’ll be travelling to Tuscaloosa to deliver a collection.
I have needed a road trip for the longest time (funerals don’t really count), and I am so excited to go. Road trips are my reset button. The open road has always been a place where I can recenter myself, no matter the destination. When I can just drive and focus on whatever is rolling around in my head, I always come away feeling more capable and rejuvenated to take on whatever needs to be taken on. Just me - no one to rely on, no one to entertain, no one to appease, no one who asks anything of me. Just me, and whatever lies before me.
Not only do I get a solo road trip, but I’m getting paid to do it. Some days (generally when I can’t make my bills), I wonder what in the hell I was thinking when I chose my career. There are so many things I could have done, and probably ‘should’ have done. Luckily, I’ve never much been one to abide by what I ‘should’ do. On days like these, I am so thankful that I trusted myself enough to know what I did or didn’t want to do. I am so lucky to have a job that I love so much. It suits me, and I suit it.
The collection that I will be delivering was a big ol’ nasty mess, which has been sitting around for well over a decade. It was such a mess, no one wanted to tackle it. It was in the process of being tackled when Katrina hit. Can’t blame anyone for stopping work on it under those circumstances.
But I tackled it. I did it. It took a LOT of work. It took about 2.5 weeks just to sort out what I was looking at, so that I could even begin curation. There have quite literally been tears of frustration shed and migraines suffered because of this project.
I worked really hard on it, and it’s kind of my baby (but the really bad tempered baby that no one wanted in the first place, and I swear if you don’t straighten up your act, it’s military school for you, mister!). I’d like to thank Dena for helping out, especially with the paperwork. She, Allison, and a few field techs helped with some of the more tedious tasks. Props all around.

So I’m going to get paid to ground and center myself, and I get a huge feeling of accomplishment on top of that. Not too shabby.

My mom has, on several occasions, spoken of ‘making disease,’ which is basically a description for those of us who are crafty. I was amused by the term, but never gave it much thought.
Tonight, I mentally ran through the list of projects that are ongoing and what I have planned. I then realized that ‘making disease’ might just be accurate.

Current:
- giant cross stitch, which I have been periodically working on for years, and I really ought to just buckle down and finish
- unnamed project, which is a surprise for someone, so I can’t say what it is. But I have no idea what I’m doing, so I’m learning something new
- tangle-be-gone headphones. That will make more sense when I finish and post a photo

Things I really need to do:
- birth record cross-stitch for a friend. The kit has been ordered, but that baby is due any day now, so turnaround time is going to have to be fast
- fix my fur hat before it gets cold again
- sew Allia’s girl scout patches on her vest
- alter a couple of dresses, along with a couple of small mending projects

Things I’d like to do:
- a couple if sketches that I intend on painting
- I really should try to write more often
- lots of photos that need to find their way into an album or 7
- a pattern I intend on sewing, if I can ever get this damn sewing machine working
- the match for the previously mentioned enormous cross-stitch

… And these are just the crafty things on my list.
As I’ve said before, my world is littered with good intentions. (and accented by very clean baseboards)

I’ve been trying to remember who once told me something to the effect of “You always come to the answer yourself, given enough time.”
I definitely remember who once said that I am a mental busybody. A more apt description has yet to be made, I think.
These two go together. I spend an awful lot of time disassembling something, to try to find a new way to put it all back together. I blame knowing all too well the trouble with perception. But this is what I do, and I don’t know any other way to be.
When putting things back together, I often end up with this one little fact off to the side. I realize that I set it to the side because it fits to any other piece of the puzzle, and I’ve been focusing so hard on getting the complex parts together that I’ve forgotten about it. So there’s my answer, staring me in the face.

Sometimes, it’s hard to see with all the clutter surrounding you.
Sometimes, there is no why.

… In which two people were talking about two different things without realizing it.
I messaged a friend of mine, and her response did not exactly answer to what I said. In fact, it read as if she was discussing what I said with someone else (accidentally responding to the wrong person), and not kindly. I was upset by this, but had a hard time believing it. Of course, no one wants to believe that a friend would do that to them.
Turns out, she thought that what I said was a quote from a previously mentioned person, and was talking about that person, not me. And she hadn’t heard of the situation I was referring to, so the confusion there was understandable.
That’s about as best as I can describe this without a transcript.

Lessons learned/reiterated:
1. One should not jump to conclusions. It is often just a misunderstanding. Had I reacted that way, it would have been a bad day for all involved.
2. You should trust your intuition. I always doubt myself when something isn’t quite right. I know, even if I don’t realize it yet.
3. I’m quite pleased to say that I learned of myself that I truly don’t care what people in general think of me. Many say they don’t care, but I’m not sure of how true that is. And people can talk themselves into something without actually taking it to heart. After the obvious trouble of feeling betrayed by someone who I considered a good friend, my concern was with why my integrity would ever be in doubt. Not whether people liked me or not (both things were said of ‘her’ in the remarks).
I’m pretty happy with this.

I am often amused by the ways that memory works. Tonight, I’m thinking of the ways in which people honor the dead through seemingly random, associated memories.
At my last job, I would often get my boss (and friend) his weekly magazine, and because of this, was often present when he would flip through and tear out all of the reply cards and whatnot first thing. I thought it odd that he would flip through the whole magazine before reading a single word, so I asked him about it. He said that it doesn’t fold in half right with them in, and pages popping up because of a thicker page behind it annoyed him. So, he took care of it beforehand.
I had never thought to do that (for some reason), but now do it myself. It truly is way less annoying.
And every time I open a new magazine and tear out all the stupid thick pages first, I automatically think of him.
Funny that something so mundane is so powerful to me, but that’s the way people are I guess.

To Jason, I rip out these pages. May you be ever freed of such annoyances. :)